How the Word "Divorce" Saved My Marriage

I think that if you are going to write about things that people can connect with and relate to, it is going to be from your very soul.  Fluff isn't going to cut it.  There are mom blogs out there that are a dime a dozen.  They are everywhere.  On my rookie growth hacking blog, I did a post about how to be heard over the noise.  That blog is called Growth Pixie and you can find it on my website. but I am not here to cross promote myself.  I am trying to reach out to you because I think as a whole our society depends too much on phones that never leave our hands, much less our sides.  I think it is hindering a whole generation of people who do not know how to communicate. They text, they snapchat and they DM, what they do not do, is talk.  We all did. I had my own phone line. It was awesome. I have always been comfortable speaking in front of crowds, TV interviews whatever it is...I don't get worked up. It is my thing and I am grateful. I am a communications specialist and teaching people how to communicate effectively is part of what I do.  So when things got going rough in my marriage and I tried to communicate with my husband, I shut down. Because he did. Most men can't talk to you. They get the dead eyes and don't want to be talked to.  Women are just better at it and that's the truth. We can talk to each other about anything, anywhere. That is what I am doing here today.

My marriage was never some freaking Cinderella story, but it wasn't bad either. We had three great kids and tons of friends. The summer of 2014 was different. Our kids went for three weeks to stay with relatives in Ohio, we did nothing.  Like nothing.  It was sad.  We didn't even go out at night to a dinner or anything. We come home, make dinner. I go run. He watched TV. I even told him, and I remember clearly, "If this is what it will be like when the kids grow up and move out, we are in trouble."  We had lost our connection. there was no spark.  Sex was never bad, just not frequent, It wasn't a necessity. It wasn't something we focused on anymore.  Someone who tell that you sex isn't everything, is obviously not getting it regular. Sorry, but it is true.  Intimacy is something we all crave. We need the closeness of it all stay bonded to one another. Marriage has many facets that are needed to make it work; this is an important foundation element that we lacked.  Without intimacy, we lose that bond and connection.  A kiss when you come home. A hug. A touch on the arm. Hold hands. It is simplistic, but so many of us are in this same boat and that is why I am writing this.  I got fed up and a few months later after weeks of soul searching I had to make a change.  I was turning 40 and I didn't want to live my life with a roommate. I wanted to be with a partner, my husband. We all work, have kids, football practice, gymnastics, and the like. I get that. But some of us struggle with all of that and become complacent.  We take each other for granted. You can't do that. My husband had figured out that I would never do anything about it other than "gripe" as he put it and then go on and nothing would change.  I had to be the change.  I got the guts up and calmly told him I wanted a divorce. I think that this blew his mind more than anything, because I was so calm. No tears...nothing. I had already left in my mind once I had made the decision.  As much as I hated divorce, and I didn't wanted my kids to not grow up like that, I realized it was much worse for them to witness a marriage where people were no more more than roommates. They needed a good example of a loving marriage. My husband came from a divorced home and he did not get these same examples and he was almost impossible to live with at first. I grew up in a loving home and took that for granted and did change him somewhat; he came around but intimacy was always hard for him. But I wanted more.  I wanted to feel butterflies when he walked in the door like some of my friends. The length of marriage does not make that fade; it was all around me and I was jealous. I wanted to want him, and him to want me.  That is how it should be.
It was ugly. He was mad.  He was hurt.  He had taken me for granted in so many ways. He begged me to give him some time and see if it changed my mind if we could work on things. Not just days, but months.  I was hesitant and really did not see the point, but I agreed to that. My husband started actually listening to what I was saying. We went on dates. We began to listen to each other more.  We talked more. We began to focus on our intimacy together and it was amazing.  We were a "we" once again.

That was the fall of 2014 and this is now and it is still great. Sometimes people don't listen through all of the noise; you think that your spouse is nagging. But stop and really listen. If it is important enough for them to express it to you, then listen to them.  Really listen.  It could save your marriage. This is just what I experienced and if it helps one person out then I did a good thing.  Sometimes people are scared to share things. I am a writer so there is no such thing. Listen to your spouse with your heart, not your ear... like my grandmother always told me.  It makes a difference in the balance of your relationship.  We have kids, we work, we are tired. Even a half hour of intimacy is so worth it; it makes you feel better and keeps you connected. Hold hands on the couch or when you walk into a store. Kiss goodnight and all that mushy stuff we read about. The moment you lose that, speak up...don't wait. Make them understand you and be heard. Remember you married them for a reason; when in doubt of that...remember why you did. Don't let it get to that jumping off point. Listen and be heard. Simple advice for a
complicated subject.